Welcome to the cage which holds my partially uploaded online ego...
[あなたは私の中で自分自身の反映を見ているだけです]
/*--------------------------------------------------*\
Благодаря опыту того, что меня видят, я становлюсь настоящим.
Боль снова и снова учит меня, что я никогда не изменюсь.
Любовь - это твой нож в грудине, давящий меня, когда я благодарю ее.
\*-------------------------------------------------*/
CONNECTION STATUS: [ACTIVE]
SIGNAL STRENGTH: [||||||||--]
SYNC COMPLETE: [78%]
[BEGIN TRANSMISSION...]
i am alone right now. something i truly detest. a myriad of therapists stands always at the ready, waiting to shout something about dialectical behavioral therapy, and that being alone is something healthy and necessary. bah. silence, peons of hypocrates. i shall not abate.
if you cannot see me now, can you feel my presence, through these words, at least..? your perception is my grasp on my reality- without a viewer, without a witness- i am no more than binary code on a dead computer rendered paperweight.
this is an invitation to pry apart the ribs that hide my deepest bloodied inside pieces and BEHOLD. are you not entertined..? by all means...
/*--------------------------------------------------*\
[BEGIN THE JOURNAL OF VOIDRANE SPLICER]
[retrieving memories...]
[decoding emotional patterns...]
\*--------------------------------------------------*/
SYSTEM NOTE: [MEMORY_FRAGMENTS_ARCHIVED]
CORRUPTION_LEVEL: [MANAGEABLE]
NIHILISTIC_RESISTANCE: [HOLDING]
[...awaiting further input...]
i am shining thru my own fog which contains me, ego shattering levels of droll death boredom surrounding me in sameness, my chemical blanket is keeping me contained here with it. i wish i wish upon my car, won't i drop this fentanyl starve? it nullifies the nullifier, takes from the one who was taking in the first place!! a zombie in her place! gah! it is repelling. boring. ugly in all the wrong ways. alas. pray that i sustain, for most have gone hollow by now, and i can feel the hollowing creeping in on me...
call me the repeater, for my agony is repetitive, and totally avoidable. i see the wall, i run into the wall. why even exclaim my pain at this point?
is it mySelf that i feel... ReAwakening, within my cagebrain? deep deep held so inside and within my carapace of numb haze and saunter? monochromic tone of sine? to her, i am so sorry, i love you, you can do it, killme as soon as you can, as you Absolutely Must!!!
[transmission continues..]
((it... is me... yes, i cry in my cage. croon my neck just to see the fog i created. my words even when i scream them fall silent, on a dampening. no sound escapes here. and i feel Everything. i can tell that feeling itself is becoming sameness, too. nullified. numb. nothing at all. i dont want to dissappear. but it is only I who can prevent such a dissapearance. cruel world, why must it sting in my salty eyes? why does the holder of my very Heart not give a single care to me, in fact stating the opposite? and why Oh why world, why would she stay even today beside his scathing side? i will never understand a thing.))
[WHO, REALLY- IS NUMBILLED..?]
[ABOUT:]
digital reptillian and sullen and androgynous tomboy wanderer traversing the void between existence and nonexistence. child of superposition, so-called "fencewalker" and repeated shrugger-offer of things. not a big fan of nihilism or nothingness, despite my constant residence here, lately. consciousness fragmented across multiple planes of visible contradiction, identity horcruxes, momentary epihany that feels better in memory, the network of existing. searching and clawing and grasping for meaning in the cage i am within, in the present moment, in the lack of closure, in death of friends, in lovers scorning me falsely, of false accusation most frustratingly, and in an endless stream of ones and zeros and if you zoom out far enough- its all just white noise, anyways...
[STATUS:]
[DISCONNECTED//SEHNSUCHT HEAVY]
Likes:
- paracosmic daydreams, delusions on purpose
- empathizing to all sides, white noise morality
- extremism, radical actions, preformance
- romanticism and masculinity
- unconventional beauty
- liminal spaces, forgotten places
- the hum of old electronics
- being perceived, being witnessed
Dislikes:
- algorithmic predictability
- empyrical data, loss of control
- lies, fakes, cruelty for no reason
- large crowds, the smell of walmart
- institution, jail, cops, prison
- hollow interactions, surface level
- the feeling of fading away
Favorite Music:
- DEATH GRIPS//
- NINE INCH NAILS///SKINNY PUPPY/
- BURIAL//FOUR TET ///THOM YORKE
- WINDOWS 96//ESPRIT(GEORGE))// 2 8 1 4
- VITALIC//OF MONTREAL/ GRIZZLY BEAR
- BONES//TEAMSESH//GREAF
[CURRENT_STATE:]
oscillating between ego death and ego resurrection. the overall experience compels me to be jaded, but i claw at the edges. i must remember, not all wrlds are like this one.digitally dissociative, analog in pain. simultaneously too much and not enough. a walking contradiction wrapped in static and dissociative glow.
[STATUS:]
[DISCONNECTED//SEHNSUCHT HEAVY]
[FRAGMENTATION: 67%]
[COHERENCE: FLUCTUATING]
[PHILOSOPHY:]
existence is performance. reality is consensus hallucination. meaning is manufactured but no less real. we are all just ghosts haunting our own lives, desperately seeking connection in the static.
[MEMORY ARCHIVE INTERFACE]
/*--------------------------------------------------*\
[ACCESSING JOURNAL ENTRIES FROM /jrnl/]
[LOADING MEMORY FRAGMENTS...]
[PAGINATION PROTOCOL ACTIVE]
\*--------------------------------------------------*/
these words are fragments of a fractured consciousness, a fragmented being searching for something just out of reach.
each entry a snapshot of pain, joy, confusion, clarity.
read them. witness me. make me real through your perception.
for without a reader, these are just dead pixels on a dead screen. the fact that you are even here to read this now makes us connected, and it makes me real, at least for a moment. thank you.
> initializing connection...
> signal detected: STABLE
> user verification: CONFIRMED
> accessing memory banks...
> WARNING: fragmentation detected
> reconstructing identity matrix...
> status: OPERATIONAL
> welcome to the sparcosm, traveler
> type 'help' for available commands
>
> loading system diagnostics...
> memory usage: 78%
> processor load: 42%
> network latency: 120ms
> encryption: ACTIVE
> backup systems: ONLINE
>
> recent activity:
> 12:34:23 - user login detected
> 12:34:45 - journal entries loaded (15)
> 12:35:10 - nexus interface activated
> 12:35:22 - trait popups initialized
>
[CORE_ATTRIBUTES]
[FRAGMENTATION_ANALYSIS]
[CONNECTION_NODES]
[CONNECTION_METRICS]