greetings, once again...

i greet you with some scowlish forlorn recognition and a firmer shake of the hand a bit more awkward and off beat than usual, only comforted by the solace of knowing that we share this insomniatic space, a lovely lonesome 3:15 AM as it is. good early twilight, traveler. what brings you now, to my domain....?

i have been away from xenotrek for over a month now. i left a piece of myself with him. wont bother anyone with the dramatic details but tldr i deserve to permanently tattoo clown makeup upon my very visage as punishment for allowing someone to drag me thru the dirt for so long and so thoroughly so.

im staying at a friend of mines, been here for bout a month. its been relatively peaceful, aside from the fact that the man of the house gets a hefty klonopin script the first of every month, and apparantly on a regular once monthly basis goes on a bender in which he becomes.... retarded? literlly people have to babysit him. he starts whooping and hollering and cant even look at you when you talk to him, much less understand or remember you. its a bit pathetic. but to each their own. i am sure my entertainment of the opiate daze is equally pathetic on a routine basis. of course, we are all hypocrites, no?

he managed to lose, for 6 days sequentially, 500 -800 dollars each day, and to pure ignorant foolishness, to boot. it hurts to watch. there is nearly nothing i can do , for getting close enough to provide any sort of counsel to the man in this state either gets me demoted to the role of supreme babysitter, or it places me within the crosshairs of his endless rage and mean spirit which seems to come out on the benzodiazepenes. gosh im old. getting sore typing this. pathetic!!

god i miss xenotrek by the day. he has had nothing positive to say to me. its like each time he reaches out he throws more false and absurd accusations at me, as if using them for a smokescreen with which to avoid any scrutiny or accountability for his own awful actions. i will say it now for a final time, for i refuse to keep fighting an impossible battle- i gave myself to xenotrek utterly, completely. gave up my autonomy upon his request, isolated myself completely as well, upon his request as well... and now? he is acting like this is the problem on top of the false accusation barrage, neverending. like. dude. you wanted this. whyyou gonna tell me to do something and be mad when i listen? accuse me of cheating any time i go out of sight? fast track to willing codependency, but oh yes he was allowed to venture wherever he pleased, for however many days as he pleased, without saying so much as brb to me. i am worth so much more than this utter debasement. i tried. i was extremely patient. but i cannot keep waiting for a future that does not seem to be coming. i cant change anyone but myself. i know i never cheated on him. quite the opposite, actually. i have multiple indices of total proof on multiple multiple multiple occasions that he, actually, was doing just about all of the things he so 'randomly' would accuse me of. projection. classic. totally typical. what a boring, pathetic, and anticlimactic and utterly worthless end to something i found to be the most beautiful and meaningful experience of my life.

with love, and well regards, and wishes for thou to support me in any way possible as in 6 hours i shall be homeless,

splicer Scorn -::-

ps, i forgot to mention cuz fingers hurt but one of my roomates overdosed on fentanyl, i used 4 narcan and they did nothing, so i had to do what i had to do. called the ambulance. they saved her. but now, they are being evicted. because of me? because of her? god knows. but i must leave in about 5 hours, and sincerely have no destination upon which i should travel to. please, if you can read this, pray, think, astral project, synchronize with me, help me find my way. and godspeed in your endeavours, also. bye bye, now.