greetings, once again...

sorry for the delay, and happy late new year...

ive been up all night fighting the boredom drolls again, pity. i am at a crux point of my life, one which will determine whether or not i will remain in this hole of saunter and scorn for the rest of my (possibly short) existence, or if i will actively work to change my future and take on the weight of intentional directed and uncomfortable movement.... you wouldn't think it would be such a difficult thing to do. but alas. i am retarded.

i was supposed to go to the clinic for intake round 2 this morning but of course, i overslept. my next appointment is on friday, pray tell i make it. the sooner i get on methadone and off fentanyl, the sooner i can leave this blasted and horrid city of lies and loneliness and once again be held in the blanket of the mountains north, in asheville. they are calling me. i reached back out to alex in desperation, about a week ago, and to my absolute relief and elation, he responded. he told me to call, he will answer. im not the bestat that but i did it twice now. and i text him every day. for those not in the loop, alex is my anchor being and ex fiance, we were together from highschool for 5 years long. he is a good kind of fellow, a real rare type of lovely psychopath. but not the kind that hurts. the kind that confides, cares, and creeps about. i never knew hurt until i met xenotrek.

as weird as it may sound, no matter how much i convince myself that i am finally "done" with this whole awful and abusive spat of a relationship, i still long for him. i'm perpetually lonely. he could proably hurt and humiliate me 1000 times more and i would still feel the same. i doubt i will ever stop loving him. the tragedy is that he doesnt even think i do. it doesnt really make sense, but i believe his words are thoughtful, pointed, and intentionally cruel. beneath it all, i still see a hurt little boy though, god save me. i will always be a white knight, in a female shaped body. sigh.

he is mean to me throughout the day. it is as if i am a pest. my voice as white noise, just a noise to be silenced. he doesnt hear me, he hears noise. he doesnt care to hear, to listen. he assumes everything i do at this point is retarded, and antithetical to his teleographic direction. its a shame, because nothing could be further from the truth. at night, when he is asleep, i take extra care to spend a lot of time staring at him, sometimes quite closely, to where i can feel his breath, his pulse, and sometimes i speak to him. he speaks back, but never remembers. and always in a childs voice. i will miss him dearly, so much. i take care to hold him tight, extra close, and absolutely cherish the rare fond or fleeting simulacrum of any type of 'love' that he shows me. i keep having to hammer it into my head- sex does not equal love. i can certainly trick myself into thinking that it does. i never knew sex could be without intimacy, that is another lesson that xenotrek has taught me. one i would rather have not learned. i have taught myself a lesson, after a very long time- and that is the glaring and awful fact that the only person that i will ever be able to control in any way at all is... myself. i can't change his perception, or his mind. he will believe whatever bullshit he has constructed to complement his own reality, and that's that. i have no control. i can only control myself. my god, i had to see it to believe it. 5 years is a long time to fight an impenetrable wall.

if you are reading this, say a little prayer for me, or something. set a piece of paper with a drawing to represent my feelng, or me, as a concept, who knows.... just butn it, with good intentions. or something. i need all i can get right now. i can't wait to wake up. i'm terrified and very excited of what all i will have to feel again. i know i havent processed any of this 5 years emotionally, and i imagine that will hurt Quite Badly. and that is an understatement. alas. i am still here, and i still smile, no matter what. but that doesnt have to be the best of things. there is far better for me, there is love, there is acceptance, and most of all there is a place i can potentially go where i will not be hit for simply speaking my mind, or at all. goodnight, moon.