it goes without saying. nothing is worth even repeating anymore. not with such hatred, violent actions. i know what he said to me- it was just some ruse to get me to respond so he could hate me more/easier i guess, or maybe he truly is so far gone from who i have been this whole time. its not worth deliberating but it is the source, the utmost- of my decay immenent. my sister texted me, told me that everybody (my family) misses me. i miss them too. im sorry im so broken and fucked up and that i cant be more normaler and socialized. i hope to one day make good on this sentiment. its gonna kill me, this heat - its so hot - its unbelievably drowning me every moment spent drenched in it, absolutely swimming in it, i miss my mountains, i want my wind and my trees. i am so sorry that i am not a better person. i promise im trying. im so sorry. i miss alex, i miss life. i wish i had been right in my loyalty now i know was placed so wrong and stupid. make me the fool again, why dont you? you never fail to wedge me between now and an imaginary tomorrow that never becomes.